It’s 3:30 in the morning, my roommate isn’t letting me sleep, so I’m here to talk to you about absolutely nothing. Why is the crazy bitch not letting me sleep? She found a guy to Skype with at this ungodly hour. Is he her boyfriend? NAH, BRO. NAHHH. He is her childhood crush (love/infatuation/meat toy/chewing gum…I don’t know, you name it). The crazy bitch already has a boifrand, still needs all the attention from everyone. She might even threaten a tree.
I’m constantly dropping my phone on my face and the crazy bitch won’t stop talking. Next time you might even see bruises on my face (I mean it’s already ugly, give me a break).
Jokes apart, what do you want me to rant about today?
Well there’s no escaping from it.
How do you deal with, let’s say, unfairness? I say you don’t deal with it. You walk up to it, fight against it, with a fairness cream. That’s right.
You know what I feel like, right now? Right now, my eyes and ears are shutting down. They relax for a moment, until my ears pick up the crazy bitch’s ugly-ass voice. So it’s like a Boeing 737 taking off. When it almost stabilizes, a grenade explodes and we’re all back down again. Unfortunately, we don’t die.
Guess where all the irritation is coming from?
Of course my brain, you idiot. I’ll go try to sleep or cry in a corner. Good night
It’s 4:30 am in the morning so technically, it’s a “tomorrow”. However there ain’t no daylight visible yet, so it’s a “today” for me. Today was terrible. Today, life was a fail, Family Feud was a fail and my playlist is also depressingly, a fail. I can’t tell you why life was a fail, it’d take too much time to explain something still arguable. Just know that it was a fail. So here I am now, balled up with Duck on my bed and trying to fall asleep.
Did I ever tell you what “grey days” in my dictionary meant? No? Wokay! Grey days are those days when reality is a black and white movie, and dreams come in color (this is probably why people sleep all day during depression, it all makes sense now). It’s when the world moves, but you don’t. You function perfectly well, but your inside goes bananas. Today was one of those days. I feel low, almost like my life has been sucked out by a vacuum cleaner.
To top that, I’m a chicken when it comes to ghosts and crap. My friends and I watched a couple of conspiracy videos. So now I’m done for good. I have no idea when sleep is going to hit me.
That’s all about my very, very shitty day which gifted me a bucket full of anxiety to deal with, for the entire night. Good morning!
I don’t really know why I write to you. It hardly feels right anymore. I used to think that maybe, we really could tell each other about our days. I remember the times when my letters to you were probably the highest ranked artwork in my gallery. The vibrant colors, slowly began to fade – just like you did. Did you plan on taking everything away with you when you left? Or have I gotten over what was once colorful? Honestly, I don’t understand because I know what “stone hearted” means now.
I thought, maybe I could be a writer? Maybe not one of those who’d only lament about their old days but write to help? But have you taken that away with you too? What have you turned me into and then left me with? A person I don’t even recognize anymore.
You know there are a few things I dream about. Paris, a pretty letter and becoming vintage. Seashore, dawn and waves that glow. Mostly I dream about seashores. Why? I don’t know. Maybe something awaits for me? Maybe you live near the beach that I dream about everyday? Quit playing games for once, Snake.
What do I do now, Snake? How do you survive alone? Are you even alive?
Do you procrastinate about the food in front of you when you’re dead hungry? Or do you just eat it? I’m pretty sure that you eat it. Unless the food is served raw and the flesh is still fresh. Why then, do we procrastinate about something we want in life? You’re hungry for X, you have everything laid out in front of you to achieve X, but you somehow end up delaying things and finding excuses to not do it now. I guess the hunger for food and the hunger for achieving something is the same. It makes you desperate. It makes you yearn for more.
Then again, if you want something and you don’t feel hungry enough to work for it, know that it’s not what the real you wants. Guess this is another way of listening to your heart. And, you’re welcome.😛
This might sound strange and I hope that I’m not the only one who has developed this habit. Over the past two months, i slept with a pillow over my face. I don’t know how it started, or where i picked it up from, it just happened and it is so dammed comfortable.
I live in India, and let’s not go into the geography but the city where I’m trying to survive, gets pretty terrifying during summers. I’m not sure if my followers really do follow me, and considering the people who like my post, you guys are all from different countries. Which is so cool! So I’ll try to write more of “the lives of mere mortals in India” ish type of posts for y’all.
Coming back to my habit, where was I? Oh yosh, summers. Ah, the joys of getting roasted in this heat. I have a really noisy ceiling fan here in my room. Being a light sleeper, you can imagine the frustration one feels when they’re extremely tired with droopy eyelids but cannot fall sleep because of a constant “phurphurphurphur-shsgioyadcbjkotddcas-phurphurphurphur-sgcnoyraasypkbtesvnl” noise. Agitated, I slammed Green (the small pillow my grandad got made for me) over my face. The sudden deafening of the noise took me by surprise. Silence was heaven and I fell asleep in no time.
This has become a habit. Now it doesn’t matter if the noisy fan is turned off, I still need a pillow over my face. It also prevents you waking up to even the brightest of all lights. I know where this is going – one of these days, I’ll suffocate myself to an eternal peaceful sleep.
Tonight I’d like to tell you all about how time has stopped. Yup you’ve read that right. I often wonder if there is something called “growing up emotionally”. There are a lot of descriptions in my world, one of them being ” a tsunami called Experience”. If you’re unaware of tsunami Experience, allow me to take out five minutes (out of a million other about to be wasted minutes) to explain, while you on the other hand take out two minutes (out of your million minutes of boredom) to read this.
Experience is this really gigantic (well calling it gigantic would be an understatement really but anyway) tsunami that washes away all your emotions to the Ocean of Doom. While it takes years to feel your emotions again (just like it takes years to set up building after cleaning its ruins),you’re never really able to feel them truly. For instance, one you fall in love, there’s no falling in love all over again “truly”. This is a very clichéd example, but we all heart broken mortals know it’s true.
So what happens when Experience hits you early? You grow up normally like your neighbor’s son, but you don’t feel anything. Time stops and you feel like you haven’t made progress in years. Growing up, you learn to suppress your emotions and at the same time, feel very unsure about them. You’re not like any other person to run, holding hands towards the sunset. When you feel about something, you feel way too strongly and have no idea how your feelings overcome you. And on the contrary, when you don’t feel anything for something, then even the universe cannot change your mind. Basically, your chakra is out of control and you feel useless.
I would have loved to tell you how to start fresh after getting hit by Experience, but I haven’t gotten a solution for myself either. And telling you that everything will be fine would make me a hypocrite. No, everything will definitely not be fine but that doesn’t mean you don’t get better than before. You might not be your old self, but never let getting lost discourage you. In fact, you might even enjoy the journey to finding yourself. And when you do, you’ll take off from the point where you’ve stopped growing up emotionally and start with more wisdom. It might take years to go back and start again, but eventually we all do. How else would we put up with ourselves if we leave our soul behind?
I’ve been reading about schizophrenia as usual. I guess it has become a part of my routine to read at least one article regarding schizophrenia daily. I might run out of articles to read if I keep this up. I don’t clearly remember why I’m hooked onto schizophrenia. A very important part of my existence depends on imagination/fiction (so much that I’ve even posted a little article on imagination). I wouldn’t have survived reality if my brain didn’t have the power to imagine. This often makes me wonder (it also actually amazes me) how realists can be so awfully practical. But that discussion is for another time.
As I was saying, imagination to me is very important. The whole idea of “constant voices inside your head”, ” delusions”, “hallucination”, “apathy”, “isolation” is fascinating. Many voices living inside your brain, probably having opinions of their own is unimaginable. This is probably why i try so comes so figure out schizophrenics. No matter how many articles I read, I obviously cannot relate to schizophrenics. People who tell me “I understand”, obviously have no idea what they understand. I mean, you don’t understand what it’s like to not be able to trust your brain, to not be aware of time (separating you from reality), to watch objects come to live, to not be able to hear yourself at times and you certainly do not understand why your brain tells you to jump off a building.
I had no idea I would feel so strongly about a particular disease. While I haven’t met any victims of the merciless disease yet, I can only hope and pray for a fast recovery and peace of mind for those who do face it. Of course, I can only wish that someone with experience and knowledge comes across this post and share their opinions. But that is probably unlikely.