Anxiety Attack

Hello world,

I came back home on the 2nd of this month, it’s funny how it’s already the 12th and I have to leave on the 17th, of this month. Durga Puja just ended and suddenly Kolkata seems to have calmed down. The usual roars of laughter and squeals reduced to murmurs outside my place. Everything is back to normal. There’s nothing abrupt about normal. “Normal” is so rich in placidity, it’s almost scary. Somehow, remaining placid gets me anxious.

Speaking of anxiety, I’ve received my share of anxiety attacks for the past few days. Anxiety attack is like an unwanted parcel delivered to you. “Attack” is the sticky-tape, “anxiety” is the box. No sane person would want to open it, but I’ve already mentioned “unwanted”. You don’t have a choice (imagine it to be Satan’s gift, if that helps) but to open it. I’ve received insomnia, accompanied by “you’ll be crying all night”, as a gift. And so, it happened.

Satan is very attentive to details, he wouldn’t let you off so easy. He targets your weaknesses. I, being as vulnerable as a pink butterfly, have too many weaknesses. Satan had a pallette full of choices and thus, he chose “loneliness”.

Quick note: I’m absolutely fine being alone. I can be as clumsy as I want, I can also pretend to be a ninja and I love pretending to be a ninja. Basically, I’m happy to be alone when my mind functions rationally. Yes, it does function rationally, at times. Surprise bitches! :D………😐

Satan had a PowerPoint presentation beautifully planned. He just had to play it in my mind. So he started with primary school – the time when I genuinely fell in love with everyone who was even a little nice to me.  Eventually I figured out that nobody genuinely liked me back, for reasons I’ll never know. Then he moved on to high school (part 1). New start! This time, I didn’t fall in love genuinely, but I just grew fond of people who were nice to me. Eventually, I figured out that nobody was quite fond of me, for reasons I’ll never know. Next, high school (part 2). By this time, I was pretty much a stoic. In other words, I didn’t want to deal with humans and for once I know why I was lonely. Satan moved on to college (right now). The stoic inside me melted a little (very little) and I started accepting people but never gave them a chance to accept me. What if they run away for reasons I’ll never know?

It was dawn by the time Satan ended his torturous presentation. I could hear birds chirping and a few people chattering. Satan must have decided it was time for him to disappear and prepare more presentations for another night. I could finally stare at the ceiling and let my tears dry up in peace.

Right, my little pooh bear, wanna take a chance?
Wanna slip this smooth air, kick it in the sand.
I’d say I told you so but you just gonna cry,
You just wanna know those peanut butter vibes.

My, my simple sir, this ain’t gonna work.
Mind my wicked words and tipsy Topsy slurs.
I can’t take this place no, I can’t take this place.
I just wanna go where I can get some space.

– Glass Animals, Gooey

Two days in Hyderabad

Hello world,

I have been disconnected for an awful long time. A lot has happened.  Well, not really a lot (my life isn’t very exciting).  We’ve been to Hyderabad last weekend! By “we”, I mean my friends and I and not my family. I bet you’re surprised.  I was pretty surprised too. I barely make it to South City Mall without mom! Besides that, my mid semester exams were like an avalanche of disasters. I’m literally not heading anywhere in life. But all that rant has become repetitive and boring. So let us commence with my trip to the City of Nizams (if you search for “City of Nizams” you get Hyderabad, so don’t look at me like  – o.O). And for the perplexed lot, don’t sweat over it – in 1974, Mughal Viceroy Asif Jah l, created his own dynasty, known as the Nizams (are they your ancestors?).

There were seven of us travelling – not going to name them (playing it safe).  I thought it would be an awkward, almost a day, train journey, but it went well. We reached Hyderabad on a cloudy Saturday morning. It was earlier than 8 am, when we headed out of the train station and towards the streets. I didn’t imagine an outrageous flow of buses, cars and other vehicles first thing in the morning. But as reality had it, the streets were packed and I had to cross like a ninja (not that I normally cross roads like any decent human would). The place rather reminded me of a very busy Laitumkhrah of Shillong. When you look back, you’ll only remember a blur of dark coloured buildings, a few blue and white buildings are the brightest colours you will recall

We ended up going to Hyderabad mainly for quizzing. The quiz was excellent but it was uneventful. The best part was my sleepover at a very বাঙালি (nowhere close to the jungle) Rafiki’s place. We took off from the hotel, to his place. His room smelled like Ameen uncle’s flat – how would a bowl of caramel, kept in a small wardrobe with naphthalene balls smell like? Dear lord that was a terrible description. The bathroom smelled like that of ours, back in Australia. I stood inside for five minutes, trying to remember every minute detail of our place and inhaling the air (that smelled like the two most important years of my life) as much as my lungs could take in. It smelled like a mixture of (look away, bad description attack part II) the toiletries section of Woolworths – fresh, the gold coloured body wash of Lux and I don’t know, home.  I’d like to believe that I’m an hyperosmic  person, since all my memories are related to smell and my olfactory senses are in fact, pretty strong (Dog power, level 9000 – unlocked).

We visited Golkonda Fort the next day. It looked beautiful throughout the day. We climbed all the way up, till the sun began to set. As it got darker, the fort started to look a little frightening. It was dusk when we got down, and fort looked as intimidating as it could. If you’re like me – who imagines 10,000 possibilities for every little scenario and who’s air-headed all the time, chances are  your mind will start narrating a horror story with lots of plot twists, which did happen and it made things a lot more scarier. It’s kind of fun to have a brain that narrates stories, maybe it’s a super power, or an entertainment power, or a  power with no absolute proficiency but still a power, who knows?  

Speaking of horror stories, Rafiki da narrated the best Satyajit Ray horror stories throughout the night and we talked till 4 in the morning. I guess the sleepover was the best part of the trip, though I thought the quiz would be the best. And being a hyperosmic person, leaving his place meant leaving the smell behind. Oh who am I kidding, the smell was the best part of the trip.

I also forgot to mention that we had icecream at the Cream Store at 10:30pm. This is of no significance whatsoever, except that the empty streets, the jet black sky, the breeze before rainfall, the Audis parked nearby, the pink coloured logo of the Cream Store, the fancy buildings across the road – gave us a feeling of content, that nothing has and will go wrong tonight.

If every trip to new places would give you a feeling of content, then my dreams are probably heading towards the right direction. Well that’s all for now. Good night.

Crazy betch

Hello world,

It’s 3:30 in the morning, my roommate isn’t letting me sleep, so I’m here to talk to you about absolutely nothing. Why is the crazy bitch not letting me sleep? She found a guy to Skype with at this ungodly hour. Is he her boyfriend? NAH, BRO. NAHHH. He is her childhood crush (love/infatuation/meat toy/chewing gum…I don’t know, you name it). The crazy bitch already has a boifrand, still needs all the attention from everyone. She might even threaten a tree.

I’m constantly dropping my phone on my face and the crazy bitch won’t stop talking. Next time you might even see bruises on my face (I mean it’s already ugly, give me a break).

Jokes apart, what do you want me to rant about today?
Well there’s no escaping from it.
How do you deal with, let’s say, unfairness? I say you don’t deal with it. You walk up to it, fight against it, with a fairness cream. That’s right.

You know what I feel like, right now? Right now, my eyes and ears are shutting down. They relax for a moment, until my ears pick up the crazy bitch’s ugly-ass voice. So it’s like a Boeing 737 taking off. When it almost stabilizes, a grenade explodes and we’re all back down again. Unfortunately, we don’t die.

Guess where all the irritation is coming from?
Of course my brain, you idiot. I’ll go try to sleep or cry in a corner. Good night

Today – a Grey Day

Hello world,

It’s 4:30 am in the morning so technically, it’s a “tomorrow”. However there ain’t no daylight visible yet, so it’s a “today” for me. Today was terrible. Today, life was a fail, Family Feud was a fail and my playlist is also depressingly, a fail. I can’t tell you why life was a fail, it’d take too much time to explain something still arguable. Just know that it was a fail. So here I am now, balled up with Duck on my bed and trying to fall asleep.

Did I ever tell you what “grey days” in my dictionary meant? No? Wokay! Grey days are those days when reality is a black and white movie, and dreams come in color (this is probably why people sleep all day during depression, it all makes sense now). It’s when the world moves, but you don’t. You function perfectly well, but your inside goes bananas. Today was one of those days. I feel low, almost like my life has been sucked out by a vacuum cleaner.

To top that, I’m a chicken when it comes to ghosts and crap. My friends and I watched a couple of conspiracy videos. So now I’m done for good. I have no idea when sleep is going to hit me.

That’s all about my very, very shitty day which gifted me a bucket full of anxiety to deal with, for the entire night. Good morning!


I wonder…

Dear Snake,
I don’t really know why I write to you. It hardly feels right anymore. I used to think that maybe, we really could tell each other about our days. I remember the times when my letters to you were probably the highest ranked artwork in my gallery. The vibrant colors, slowly began to fade – just like you did. Did you plan on taking everything away with you when you left? Or have I gotten over what was once colorful? Honestly, I don’t understand because I know what “stone hearted” means now.

I thought, maybe I could be a writer? Maybe not one of those who’d only lament about their old days but write to help? But have you taken that away with you too? What have you turned me into and then left me with? A person I don’t even recognize anymore.

You know there are a few things I dream about. Paris, a pretty letter and becoming vintage. Seashore, dawn and waves that glow. Mostly I dream about seashores. Why? I don’t know. Maybe something awaits for me?  Maybe you live near the beach that I dream about everyday? Quit playing games for once, Snake.

What do I do now, Snake? How do you survive alone? Are you even alive?


Note to Self

Hello world,
Do you procrastinate about the food in front of you when you’re dead hungry? Or do you just eat it? I’m pretty sure that you eat it. Unless the food is served raw and the flesh is still fresh.  Why then, do we procrastinate  about something we want in life? You’re hungry for X, you have everything laid out in front of you to achieve X, but you somehow end up delaying things and finding excuses to not do it now. I guess the hunger for food and the hunger for achieving something is the same. It makes you desperate. It makes you yearn for more.

Then again, if you want something and you don’t feel hungry enough to work for it, know that it’s not what the real you wants. Guess this is another way of listening to your heart. And, you’re welcome.😛