I came back home on the 2nd of this month, it’s funny how it’s already the 12th and I have to leave on the 17th, of this month. Durga Puja just ended and suddenly Kolkata seems to have calmed down. The usual roars of laughter and squeals reduced to murmurs outside my place. Everything is back to normal. There’s nothing abrupt about normal. “Normal” is so rich in placidity, it’s almost scary. Somehow, remaining placid gets me anxious.
Speaking of anxiety, I’ve received my share of anxiety attacks for the past few days. Anxiety attack is like an unwanted parcel delivered to you. “Attack” is the sticky-tape, “anxiety” is the box. No sane person would want to open it, but I’ve already mentioned “unwanted”. You don’t have a choice (imagine it to be Satan’s gift, if that helps) but to open it. I’ve received insomnia, accompanied by “you’ll be crying all night”, as a gift. And so, it happened.
Satan is very attentive to details, he wouldn’t let you off so easy. He targets your weaknesses. I, being as vulnerable as a pink butterfly, have too many weaknesses. Satan had a pallette full of choices and thus, he chose “loneliness”.
Quick note: I’m absolutely fine being alone. I can be as clumsy as I want, I can also pretend to be a ninja and I love pretending to be a ninja. Basically, I’m happy to be alone when my mind functions rationally. Yes, it does function rationally, at times. Surprise bitches! :D………😐
Satan had a PowerPoint presentation beautifully planned. He just had to play it in my mind. So he started with primary school – the time when I genuinely fell in love with everyone who was even a little nice to me. Eventually I figured out that nobody genuinely liked me back, for reasons I’ll never know. Then he moved on to high school (part 1). New start! This time, I didn’t fall in love genuinely, but I just grew fond of people who were nice to me. Eventually, I figured out that nobody was quite fond of me, for reasons I’ll never know. Next, high school (part 2). By this time, I was pretty much a stoic. In other words, I didn’t want to deal with humans and for once I know why I was lonely. Satan moved on to college (right now). The stoic inside me melted a little (very little) and I started accepting people but never gave them a chance to accept me. What if they run away for reasons I’ll never know?
It was dawn by the time Satan ended his torturous presentation. I could hear birds chirping and a few people chattering. Satan must have decided it was time for him to disappear and prepare more presentations for another night. I could finally stare at the ceiling and let my tears dry up in peace.